I love it, I love it not

Today I chose my courses for next year. It was exciting, because it was all lined up, right there in front of me; my future. The outlines of my year to come; international business to the height, length and breadth of 2009, my last year. And it was sad. Why? Because it reminded me of the fact that this dreamy state of love, bliss and relaxation will soon come to an end. Soon…but not too soon?

There is no denying; London is progress, London is challenge, ambition and responsibility, and I miss it. I miss the pace, I miss the goals and I miss the adrenaline of deadlines and the gratification of achievement. I thrive on it, yet I know it kills me. That’s why I love it. Today I walked through Cádiz, Coldplay playing in my ears, a steady rapid rhythm and I walked quickly not to be late. It made me remember the feeling of being on your way, seeing ahead and knowing where you’re going. It’s empowering. I love it.

And then, I realised; what about all these quiet moments, what about time to cook, time to watch a movie or to simply take a nap on a Wednesday afternoon? What about the spontaneous coffees and the large, long dinners with friends? What about going out three nights a week and then having the time to sleep in? What about all these things that make life worthwhile? Where do they squeeze in between MGT305 and ECO301? I love it not. I truly don’t.

I’m ambivalent…I want it all. It’s unfair. It seems that for many of us, at this point in life, it’s either or: Love/Life or Studies/Career. I don’t want to choose and I don’t have to, I chose already. My next year is all career, all books, highlighters and sleepless nights, all studies and stimulus. I have to learn, to take with me some elements of human contact, interaction with affectionate value into that deep ocean of work which is ahead. And I love it I really do yet I love it not…I truly don’t.