More More Drama

So… as if having your bank account extinct is not enough drama for one week, now one of my subject teachers has decided to step it up a little. Because my life is not already stressful enough (!!!). After having repeatedly asked if it is possible to take the exam in December (missing out on three to four classes), she now finally got to thinking of the matter and decided it MIGHT be a problem.

What do I say? I say it’s great! It’s absolutely fabulous that I already have my plane ticket to go back to Sweden, and it’s amazing that I won’t be able to sit the exam in February in any case. Why? I will already be in London. Now this bugs me… since it possibly deprives me of my financial support from the Swedish government, which would again make me broke. Oh Happy day!

Please do cross your fingers (or in Swedish hold your thumbs) for it to all go my way.

Some one is probably trying to teach me to value what I have, to understand the worth of money. I have shed a few hundred tears of anger and frustration… I promise. I understand it now.

Broke(n) reflections

I have been robbed. Every single penny I own has been stolen (apart from the 17 something euro I still have in my wallet, which I am now guarding with my life).

Being broke is not exactly a pleasant surprise, especially not tightly followed by the discovery of having much more money than expected… now I have none. Quite annoying to say the least. But more than the fact of not having money or the fact that I now (from Spain) have to try to arrange new cards, police reports etc., more than that, it is the intrusion that bothers me. Some broke into my account and emptied it out. And it wasn’t done at once either. By the looks of it someone used up my money and made sure to thoroughly enjoy it. Bloomingdale’s, Staples and Apple Store all in Cedar Oaks, USA…where in the f*** is Cedar Oaks!? What kind of lazy, greedy people live there!?

Ok, Sorry, no need to be mean… or rude for that matter (to be truthful a lot of pretty heavy curses have come out of my mouth this evening, none of which will be repeated here). I just can’t seem to get over it. How a person is so lazy that they have the nerve to “bling” their lives up with other people’s money, which they have earned fair and square. They get luxury (I know this because when you spend more than 1000 USD in an Apple Store it must be good) and I get problems. Thank you very much!

I don’t understand…where have morals gone? How does a person manage to justify an intrusion into someone else’s privacy? And not only an intrusion, but a complete abuse? How can you even enjoy your Mac-Book when you bought it with stolen money? I hope it breaks, I sincerely do, what ever they bought I hope it is infected by the mere fact that they acted immorally, I hope they look at it and feel regret. And no, I’m not evil, just very angry. And no, I’m not stupid either…if you are advanced enough to rip someone’s card-details off from across the Atlantic you probably don’t know the meaning of the word respect nor the essence of the feeling; guilt.

Anger gives you energy from all kinds of unexpected sources. Thus I shall get back to baking my bread. Because I’d rather do positive things with my energy, that are good (and even taste good) for others and me as well. Rather contribute than exploit…that’s what I say.

Fallen angel

She’s a fallen angel
she has lost her way.

No more innocence,
she’s not wearing white today.

She’s a fallen angel.
She has spoken now.
Not with words of evil
but to obtain a respectful bow.

She has had enough
of insults and madness
as an eternal game.
No more looking at herself
and feeling shame.

She’s a fallen angel.
She has learned how to demand.
It’s been a journey
but the soul needs to expand.

She’s a fallen angel
for those who look to find
goodness and naivety surgin’.
But she is an angel to me still,
just not a virgin.

I love it, I love it not

Today I chose my courses for next year. It was exciting, because it was all lined up, right there in front of me; my future. The outlines of my year to come; international business to the height, length and breadth of 2009, my last year. And it was sad. Why? Because it reminded me of the fact that this dreamy state of love, bliss and relaxation will soon come to an end. Soon…but not too soon?

There is no denying; London is progress, London is challenge, ambition and responsibility, and I miss it. I miss the pace, I miss the goals and I miss the adrenaline of deadlines and the gratification of achievement. I thrive on it, yet I know it kills me. That’s why I love it. Today I walked through Cádiz, Coldplay playing in my ears, a steady rapid rhythm and I walked quickly not to be late. It made me remember the feeling of being on your way, seeing ahead and knowing where you’re going. It’s empowering. I love it.

And then, I realised; what about all these quiet moments, what about time to cook, time to watch a movie or to simply take a nap on a Wednesday afternoon? What about the spontaneous coffees and the large, long dinners with friends? What about going out three nights a week and then having the time to sleep in? What about all these things that make life worthwhile? Where do they squeeze in between MGT305 and ECO301? I love it not. I truly don’t.

I’m ambivalent…I want it all. It’s unfair. It seems that for many of us, at this point in life, it’s either or: Love/Life or Studies/Career. I don’t want to choose and I don’t have to, I chose already. My next year is all career, all books, highlighters and sleepless nights, all studies and stimulus. I have to learn, to take with me some elements of human contact, interaction with affectionate value into that deep ocean of work which is ahead. And I love it I really do yet I love it not…I truly don’t.