A bad rerun

It’s that day again, the day of waiting and travelling, the day of goodbyes and tears. It’s different every time, yet it is a day that seems to be coming as a bad rerun of itself, more frequently than one would desire.

Departures provoke a lot of emotion. Thus pre-departure can take three different shapes in action.

The first is of course; ignoring. The person leaving or people in their surroundings sick to the normal and ‘pretend’ that the upcoming separation is either very far away, or literally inexistent. It’s a quite detached way to go about things, but also easier. What’s positive about it is that there is no discrimination or favouritism towards anyone, everyone continues just as usual.

Then there is the second kind; withdrawing. This person fears the upcoming separation and pulls away. Often he or she becomes distant and almost cold, as if trying to untie some of the bonds created to avoid the pain.

And finally there is preparing. Where you know you are leaving and put effort into your remaining time. Rather than withdrawing you intensify your relations and tie the bonds stronger in order to avoid loss, despite distance.

As for the mind-set, it can go two ways. Either you don’t realise you’re leaving until you are gone, which then means major crisis, or you mourn your departure well ahead, during and also after. However then you are hopefully slightly more calm and rational about it….although you can never really know.

Today my departure has brought forward both ambivalence and ambiguity.
Ambiguity, because it is the end of a chapter, the end of the Spain chapter, nevertheless there are so many things which will hopefully continue into my next episode, and the ones that follow. London is the only variable that is secured or even guaranteed.

Ambivalence because I said goodbye to my love (luckily he is not far behind, as he is coming to see me in Sweden on Friday), it meant the end of our daily life in our small Spanish city, it means things are changing. Really, he is part of the ambiguity. Not to forget are other sad adieus, those of friends and acquaintances, of places and views.

Then, on the other hand, I am leaving for home, for family and for Christmas… all of which I love. And I am returning to London where my heart beats stronger and my brain thinks faster (I sincerely have the impression it does).

So it is new this day, because I never felt it this way, yet it is a repetition of itself…of those previous weeks of preparing, of tying and of trying to apprehend. I am kind of obliged to ambivalence…because I hate goodbyes, I struggle with them and at the same time I love a new challenge, I thrive on diversification.
Again I have done those days of washing and packing, cleaning, emptying and throwing away…to leave place for what is to come.

This time I have made a lot of space, I am hoping for greatness and joy, but I am expecting nothing at all. I believe it will be good, and I will work for it, yet I am prepared to take on the bad…at least so I hope. Today might be a rerun, but what is coming is freshly baked and yet to be revealed…So really at the end of this day I will have to find myself optimistic towards the ambiguity rather than ambivalent, because forward is the only way…and I prepared myself for goodbye…but goodbye just for now.

Lögn

Hon ljuger aldrig,
inte när hon ler,
inte när hon gråter,
ej heller när hon älskar,
eller förlåter.

Hon ljuger inte,
för det svärtar ner hennes själ.
Ibland blir hon brutal i sin ärlighet,
men hon menar bara väl.

Evigt söker hon svar,
även för de frågor
som inte går att besvara.
Allting vill hon veta
och kunna förklara.

Oftast är det varken berikande
eller särskilt uppfyllande alls;
hon söker bara
att försvara sig någonstans.

Andra advent

Glad andra advent! Det här är så nära adventsljustake jag kommer i år. Detta är en dag man önskar man kunde komma hem på visit, dricka en kopp glögg och prata en stund med familjen. Men idag blir det plugg för allt vad jag äger och har. Jul-kramar från mig trots allt.

Back in business

I am back in business! Finally! After more than two weeks of agonizing wait I finally got my new card AND I got an exam-date before Christmas. Hallelujah!

Now… I’m not going to go into detail on my irritation with the Spanish mail or the fact that you seem to have to sit with the foot up people’s behind to get results and clear responses.

This means I can finally get to buying Christmas-presents and it also means I have to study. A LOT! So I am literally back in business in every sense of the word. I’m fishing for the London-discipline again. It’s coming back, I feel it.

X-mas love

I have love for chritsmas....but a love that makes it feel like christmas everyday. And I love christmas...